Slutty Snow White + Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters!

So we all know the story – Hansel and Gretel go into the woods and find a house of candy. Inside there is a witch that nearly kills them but they manage to kill her first. This is the super R rated version – where they’re all grown up and badass!

I’ve been waiting to see this movie since I first heard about it in the fall (here it only premiered February 28th and I managed to get myself to a cinema yesterday!) and let me tell you this! I was not disappointed!

I mean it has a fairy tale aspect to it (I love my fairy tales.) It has Gemma Arterton in it (I’ve sadly watched Prince of Persia Sands of Time 10 times because she’s in it. I think I have a tiny bit of a lesbian crush on her.) It has super cool guns. Lots of violence. Lots of the main characters getting their asses beat Down.  Lots of awesome witty lines.

(like these- “Cutting off her head tends to work.”/ “She looks angry.” “Wouldn’t you be if you had a face like that?”/ “…we learned a couple of things one; never walk into a house made of candy and two if you’re going to kill a witch set her ass on fire.”/ “A troll?” “Trolls are extra.” / “And, and you have my pumpkin.”/ “Whatever you do, don’t eat the fucking candy.”/ “Edward, you want to knock?”/ “I hate to break this to you, but this isn’t gonna be an open casket.”)

Cool settings. Leather.  Gemma Arterton in leather. More guns. Magic. A house made of candy. What’s not to love?

My only complaint was that it was too short. I could have kept watching for another half an hour. But on the other hand it was pretty neatly wrapped up in that one hour and thirty minutes. Really there is nothing to complain about. I’ll know some people will be some what disturbed by this movie and complain Hollywood is running out of ideas, that their accents are wrong and are over-sexing and over using our sweet fairy tales – but I loved it. It was entertaining and action packed + better written and acted than most stuff being thrown at us.

The steampunk-ish(because this was steampunk-y) aspects totally worked (Hansel has diabetes. And he’s got insulin to treat it with. In, like, the middle ages. How cool is that?!? And there are drawing of missing kids attached to the glass bottles of milk. Epic. And of course the weapons.) The audio/sound/effects were awesome.  The script was awesome. The characters were cool and truly badass, and just the right amount brutal. The acting was great. Hansel and Gretel had great chemistry. The Troll is named Edward (just that has to make you love it! take that Twilight people. Edward is a troll. lol.)

Even the 3D which I usually just find bothersome was epic. The arrows were coming right at me! Over all – this was totally my movie of the year. (I’ve yet to watch Joss Whedon‘s The Cabin in the Woods but since it came out last year it won’t matter! Me

Go and see it! In the cinema with the 3D and big screen. It’s really the best way to see a movie! Go! Now!

 

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