Slutty Snow White + Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters

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Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters!

So we all know the story – Hansel and Gretel go into the woods and find a house of candy. Inside there is a witch that nearly kills them but they manage to kill her first. This is the super R rated version – where they’re all grown up and badass!

I’ve been waiting to see this movie since I first heard about it in the fall (here it only premiered February 28th and I managed to get myself to a cinema yesterday!) and let me tell you this! I was not disappointed!

I mean it has a fairy tale aspect to it (I love my fairy tales.) It has Gemma Arterton in it (I’ve sadly watched Prince of Persia Sands of Time 10 times because she’s in it. I think I have a tiny bit of a lesbian crush on her.) It has super cool guns. Lots of violence. Lots of the main characters getting their asses beat Down.  Lots of awesome witty lines.

(like these- “Cutting off her head tends to work.”/ “She looks angry.” “Wouldn’t you be if you had a face like that?”/ “…we learned a couple of things one; never walk into a house made of candy and two if you’re going to kill a witch set her ass on fire.”/ “A troll?” “Trolls are extra.” / “And, and you have my pumpkin.”/ “Whatever you do, don’t eat the fucking candy.”/ “Edward, you want to knock?”/ “I hate to break this to you, but this isn’t gonna be an open casket.”)

Cool settings. Leather.  Gemma Arterton in leather. More guns. Magic. A house made of candy. What’s not to love?

My only complaint was that it was too short. I could have kept watching for another half an hour. But on the other hand it was pretty neatly wrapped up in that one hour and thirty minutes. Really there is nothing to complain about. I’ll know some people will be some what disturbed by this movie and complain Hollywood is running out of ideas, that their accents are wrong and are over-sexing and over using our sweet fairy tales – but I loved it. It was entertaining and action packed + better written and acted than most stuff being thrown at us.

The steampunk-ish(because this was steampunk-y) aspects totally worked (Hansel has diabetes. And he’s got insulin to treat it with. In, like, the middle ages. How cool is that?!? And there are drawing of missing kids attached to the glass bottles of milk. Epic. And of course the weapons.) The audio/sound/effects were awesome.  The script was awesome. The characters were cool and truly badass, and just the right amount brutal. The acting was great. Hansel and Gretel had great chemistry. The Troll is named Edward (just that has to make you love it! take that Twilight people. Edward is a troll. lol.)

Even the 3D which I usually just find bothersome was epic. The arrows were coming right at me! Over all – this was totally my movie of the year. (I’ve yet to watch Joss Whedon‘s The Cabin in the Woods but since it came out last year it won’t matter! Me

Go and see it! In the cinema with the 3D and big screen. It’s really the best way to see a movie! Go! Now!

 

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It Has Begun!

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So first day of NaNoWriMo has come and gone. I did not freak out or die a horrible painful death (did wake up in a cold sweat a few times thinking my antagonist was coming to get me.) I now have 2,000+ words, a plot, but no ending. Which I suppose is better than no plot and no ending but a lot worse than having an ending but no plot.

I did not manage the short story in time for Halloween, but here it is, just one day late. It was written for a contest on Deviant-Art (Maim Your Protagonist) but it’s kind of scary(especially if you fear the dentist). Not very Halloween-y though. The one I started for Halloween is still half-finished and with NaNo upon us, will probably remain that way.

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Without

I struggled in the darkness, trying desperately to get free, get the hood off, anything. But it was to no avail, the person holding me was stronger, bigger and clearly determined not to let go. A door opened and the smell of mouth wash and rubbing alcohol reached my nose. I felt my stomach start to cramp.

This couldn’t be real. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was going to get married; live happily ever after, away from the darkness and violence. Away from my family.

I was pushed down in a hard and uncomfortable seat and my hood tugged off. Swallowing and gasping for air I looked around. Upon seeing where we were, my earlier fear doubled.

“What are we doing here?” I managed to ask, already knowing.

“Guess,” the one who had just removed my hood said mockingly.

“No,” I whispered, scrambling off the dentist chair and to the back of the room. There was no back door or window to escape through.

”This was your choice darling,” my father told me, stepping closer to me, away from the others. “You chose to be with a mortal.”

I felt my eyes go wide.“But you can’t take my teeth. I need them.”

“Normal-looking human teeth will grow out in a day or so. You’ll be fine for your wedding.” Like I cared about the wedding. They were going to take my teeth. But they couldn’t do that. It wasn’t right. They just couldn’t.

Only they could.

There were four of them besides my father, all big, strong and loyal to him. I glared at Tommy when I noticed him in the back. He had always been dad’s favorite. Always been so eager to serve. The good son. I wanted to spit or yell at him but I was paralyzed with fear as the four of them began to approach me.

There was no point in struggling, but I did, for a moment, ramming my elbow in Tommy’s gut. Then they got a good grip on me and slammed me down in the dentist chair again, holding me down. I couldn’t see as a bright light was turned on right above me.

It happened faster than I thought it would. My mouth was forced open and while I still couldn’t see I could feel when something scraped around my left incisor. I tried to beg for them to stop but all that came out was a gurgle.

Then white hot pain made my scull feel like it was on fire, like a bomb had detonated in there. I tasted my own blood, felt it gush down my throat. But it wasn’t over yet, and no one seemed to care I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t see, couldn’t think.

“Pa?” Tommy’s questioning voice made a sliver of hope grow inside of me. Please Tommy make it stop.

“Get it done quick. Stopping now will only make it worse.”

And like always, Tommy did what father said, what father wanted. When the second tooth was dropped into something metal, the hand forcing my mouth open let go and I wailed. I wasn’t sure how much time passed, a minute or an hour. Maybe a life time.

“Don’t worry,” my father suddenly whispered, leaning close and touching my hair. I struggled to get away from him but my brother was still holding my shoulders down. ”You will learn to live off human food. I hear it’s not so horrible after the first few years. Let her up.”

Tommy immediately let go of me, and first then I realized the three others were gone. Still feeling dizzy with the pain I forced myself to get up, my hands reaching for the metal container holding my teeth. I picked them up, staring with horror at my fangs, my beautiful beloved fangs. I felt wetness trail down my face, tears, snot and blood from my still bleeding gums. The later was staining my favorite shirt. I didn’t care. It didn’t matter anymore.

Nothing mattered.

“Natalia,” Tommy said, reaching for me. Suddenly realizing my father and Tommy were still in the room, made me shake. Not with fear this time. No, with righteous anger.  They had done this to me. I screamed a blood curling scream I knew even the people down the street would hear. My father plastered on the bored expression he usually reserved for children throwing temper tantrum during Gatherings.

“I hate you,” I shrieked. Neither my father nor Tommy seemed too bothered by hearing this. Crying, I sank to the floor one had over my bleeding mouth and the other clutching my bloody fangs to my chest. “I hate you,” I said, again, weaker. Because it wasn’t their fault. Not really.

I had brought this on myself.

Falling in love with a human. How foolish. How weak. They had all tried to tell me. I hadn’t listened. I hadn’t, and now I was paying for it. Everything I was; gone. I wasn’t vampire. I wasn’t human. I wasn’t anything.

I stared up at my father, feeling defeated. He smiled as if he could read my thoughts in my eyes.”Don’t worry darling. You’ll learn to live with it. Everyone hates themselves and how their lives turned out a little bit.“

END

[The story along with all original characters is the sole property of the author and cannot be used without expressed permission first.]

Yep… that was that. If you liked feel very free to tell me! If you hated it feel free to tell me that too! 😀

Download the PDF: Without